I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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