Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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