Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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