My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
