my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
