whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
