Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
