my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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