turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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