we made out on top of his cat.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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