Screwed.edu
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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