tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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