I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
