I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
