I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
