what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
