I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
