I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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