You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
