True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
