i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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