I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
