better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
