she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
