you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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