I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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