Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
