i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
