I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
