Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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