Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
