But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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