I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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