I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
