mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
