I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She swung at the pinata with crutches
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
