I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
