the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
