I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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