Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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