His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
