how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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