its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
