please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
