I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
