So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize