omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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