Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
