Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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