Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
