So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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